http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xjXUgZg8fc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpXT8T2DPVw

Oh man, night before jitters.
First I have to say so much love toc_shads ,slashfiend337 , brandedbysyn and bassistsgrl03
for sending me love.

Got a LITTLE money squared away. I THINK I have gas covered.

Spent most of the day driving around in the rental. My god, I LOVE Sirius radio!!! It is the most amazing invention ever. I have to try to remember to play the AFI cds I have-----I was planning on listening to nothing but AFI the whole trip but with no less than my own personal jukebox playing nothing but good stuff...holy crap. It will be wonderful company for the long drive home. My saved stations are: Brit Pop, Grunge/90's, 70's, 80's, Hair Metal. :) Oh yeah!! Rock on!!

I am a bit nervous about going by myself even though I'm meeting people there. It turns out my friend Lorra is actually meeting another person and bringing her husband along so I have NO idea if she's gonna wanna hang out with me. As long as I can connect with reanimated , I'll be good. All I need is one friendly face. :) I have gone to......2 concerts alone since I started having panic attacks: Throwdown and (don't laugh) Sheryl Crow. Throwdown was a fluke from hell. I got out of my car and BAM! There was a kid from the mall, I latched on to him and followed him to the line. Got to the line BAM! another kid from the mall and it was like that the entire night, even when it came time to get in line to meet TD. I'll never forget it, not just b/c I was meeting them but b/c I had this friend from the mall at the time who was the world's only black Jehovah's Witness Death Metal fan. I turned and told him "Don't leave me whatever you do until I get through this line and if you see me fainting, catch me." He was so sweet. He stayed with me most of the show. :D

So anyway, here I go.
I am actually sleeping with X's on my hands so it will be one less thing to do tomorrow! I can't remember the last time I X'ed up at a show. This could possibly be the last for a LONG time, unless TD hit near here next year. As it is they closest THEY are coming is Austin. I may possibly look like an idiot, as old as I am, Xing up, but I can't help it. How many more times will I have and I don't want to look back and say "Damn I wish I would have represented better"

So tomorrow I will be taking my life in my own hands by driving across the state of Texas wearing a shirt that says SUPPORT LEFTIST HARDCORE.

Please say a prayer I don't get killed some time during the trip. Your god of choice is up to you.

I was planning on wearing the shirt anyway ---because God knows I can't wear it in the town where I live--- but after getting disowned by the little bit of family I had left for my political views?
You better believe I am in the mood to rebel.



At this point if I could put RED STREAKS in my hair and draw fucking RED STARS on my body and wear red contacts with little yellow hammers and sickles for the irsis, I would just to say fuck you.

But, ahem, I digress.


I hear AFI have been doing Triple Zero at some of their shows. They encored with that the first time I saw them. That night was also the first time I heard that song. It has become dear to me because that is how I see things. So much of what I do has been motivated by hate, by hating others and how they've lived their lives so much I have vowed to myself "I will NEVER be like THAT". So I am signing off with these lyrics, a long night ahead but with any luck a blessed day tomorrow. And once again I really wish I had the money to be on my Zoloft for panic attacks.
Well I'll just have to be hardcore and get it done.


"It burns! It burns!
It burns my eyes and throat,
but I need no antidote.
Gnawing and tearing at my insides - seething,
keeping me alive - hatred poisons me through and through -
a sustenance - keeping me true.
It's not too late.
It's never gonna be too late.
Embrace your hate.
The pain! The pain it crushes me.
I gain animosity.
Acid sweat and bloody tears,
through it all I persevere.
Some sedate through indifference
but I withheld zero tolerance."

I have been typing this (on top of the Matt/Zack story) since 8  o'clock last night and I think I have given myself carpal tunnel.

So I'm trying to track all the  books I have read in my lifetime.  Whole YEARS are missing here, but this is what I have so far:
NOT COUNTING COMIC BOOKS, FOXTROT BOOKS, THE FAR SIDE AND ALL THE SCI FI BOOKS I READ IN JR. HIGH

I know this can't compete w/ your 3000, muse, but here is what I have. So far.
 

   1. Atonement – Ian McEwan
   2. The God of Small Things – Arundhati Roy
   3. Trainspotting – Irvine Welsh
   4. Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro
   5. The Bonfire of the Vanities – Tom Wolfe
   6. Beloved – Toni Morrison
   7. Playing in the Dark --Toni Morrison
   8. Sula--Toni Morrison
   9. Neuromancer – William Gibson
  10. Hairstyles of the  Damned--Joe  Meno
  11. Fear  No Evil--Robert Heinlein
  12. For us, The Living--Robert Heinlein
  13. Delta of Venus – Anaïs Nin
  14. The Shining – Stephen King
  15. Interview With the Vampire – Anne Rice
  16. The Vampire Lestat – Anne Rice
  17. The Feast of All Saints-Anne Rice
  18. Lasher– Anne Rice
  19. Toltos– Anne Rice
  20. Sleeping Beauty– Anne Rice
  21. The Witching Hour– Anne Rice
  22. Lost Souls  Poppy Z  Brite
  23. Soul Kitchen  Poppy Z  Brite
  24. Liquor--Poppy Z  Brite
  25. Prime-Poppy Z  Brite
  26. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings – Maya Angelou
  27. Of Mice and Men---John Steinbeck
  28. 2001: A Space Odyssey – Arthur C. Clarke
  29. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? – Philip K. Dick
  30. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test – Tom Wolfe
  31. A Man In Full -Tom Wolfe
  32. The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath
  33. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – Ken Kesey
  34. A Clockwork Orange – Anthony Burgess
  35. Stranger in a Strange Land – Robert Heinlein
  36. The Old Man and the Sea – Ernest Hemingway
  37. The Sun Also Rises– Ernest Hemingway
  38. Bright Lights Big City
  39. The Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
  40. Finnegans Wake – James Joyce
  41. Dubliners– James Joyce
  42. Tender is the Night – F. Scott Fitzgerald
  43. This Side of Paradise-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
  44. To Have and Have Not – Ernest Hemingway
  45. The Garden of Eden-Ernest Hemingway
  46. A Farewell to Arms – Ernest Hemingway
  47. Steppenwolf – Herman Hesse
  48. Mrs. Dalloway – Virginia Woolf
  49. The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald
  50. Siddhartha – Herman Hesse
  51. Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
  52. The Age of Innocence – Edith Wharton
  53. House Made of Dawn - M. Scott Momaday
  54. The Way to Rainy Mountain- M. Scott Momaday
  55. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn – Mark Twain
  56. Last of The Mohicans
  57. Moby-Dick – Herman Melville
  58. The Scarlet Letter – Nathaniel Hawthorne
  59. Middlemarch – George Eliot
  60. Wuthering  Heights--Bronte
  61. Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
  62. Waterland--Graham Swift
  63. The Mill on the Floss – George Eliot
  64. The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
  65. Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
  66. North and South--George Eliot
  67. Perks of Being a Wallflower
  68. Less Than Zero--Bret Easton Ellis
  69. American Psycho
  70. The Lovely Bones--Sebold
  71. Give War a Chance -PJ O'Rourke
  72. Parliament of Whores -PJ O'Rourke
  73. Age and Guile Beat Youth Innocence and a Bad Haircut-PJ O'Rourke
  74. Republican Party Reptile-PJ O'Rourke
  75. Holidays in Hell-PJ O'Rourke
  76. All The Trouble In The World-PJ O'Rourke
  77. Fight Club
  78. Never the Same Again-Jesse Sublett
  79. Boiled in Concrete-Jesse Sublett
  80. Tough Baby-Jesse Sublett
  81. Rock Critic Murders-Jesse Sublett
  82. Planet Joe-Henry Rollins
  83. Oasis-Brian Hodge
  84. Wild Horses-Brian Hodge
  85. Night Life-Brian Hodge
  86. The Darker Saints-Brian Hodge
  87. Prototype-Brian Hodge
  88. Out of Sight-Elmore Leonard
  89. Rum Punch-Elmore Leonard
  90. Get Shorty-Elmore Leonard
  91. Be Cool-Elmore Leonard
  92. Maximum Bob-Elmore Leonard
  93. LA Confidential-Elmore Leonard
  94. The  Hundred Secret Senses -Amy Tan
  95. The Bonesetters Daughter-Amy Tan
  96. The Joy Luck Club-Amy Tan
  97. The Kitchen God's  Wife-Amy Tan
  98. Bitch--Elizabeth Wurtzel
  99. More,now Again - Elizabeth Wurtzel
 100. Prozac Nation-Elizabeth Wurtzel
 101. Peachtree Road-Anne Rivers Siddons
 102. Fault lines-Anne Rivers Siddons
 103. Downtown-Anne Rivers Siddons
 104. Prisoner of VAndam Street-Kinky Friedman
 105. Elvis, Jesus  and  Coca Cola-Kinky Friedman
 106. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
 107. RoadKill -Kinky Friedman
 108. Blast From the Past-Kinky Friedman-Kinky Friedman
 109. The Love Song of J. Edgar Hoover -Kinky Friedman
 110. Armadillos and Old Lace-Kinky Friedman
 111. A Case of Lone Star--Kinky Friedman
 112. Greenwich Killing Time-Kinky Friedman
 113. When The Cat's Away-Kinky Friedman
 114. Riding the Iron Rooster: By Train Through China
 115. The Two Towers
 116. The Return of The King
 117. The  Hobbit
 118. Naked- David  Sedaris
 119. On the Road-Jack Kerouac
 120. Foley Is Good: And the Real World Is Faker Than Wrestling-Mick Foley
 121.  Have  A Nice Day   Mick Foley
 122. Cheating Death-The Eddie Guererro Story
 123. Billy Bathgate- EL Doctorow
 124. Soul Circus--Joe Pelecanos
 125. Right As Rain-Joe Pelecanos
 126. DC Noir--Joe Pelecanos
 127. Hell To Pay--Joe Pelecanos
 128. Drama City--Joe Pelecanos
 129. Shoe Dog--Joe Pelecanos
 130. Bright Shiny Morning- James Frey
 131. Regeneration--Pat Barker
 132. Batman The  Killing Joke-  Alan Moore
 133. Blackbeard-Vonnegut
 134. Slaughterhouse Five
 135. Fahrenheit 451-Ray  Bradbury
 136. Watchmen-Alan Moore
 137. A new Earth--Eckhart Tolle
 138. Dead Until Dawn
 139. Living Dead in Dallas
 140. Arabian Jazz--Diana Abu-Jaber
 141. Crescent-Diana Abu-Jaber
 142. The Language  of Baklava-Diana Abu-Jaber
 143. Move to Strike-Perri O'Shaughnessy'
 144. The Book of Fate-Brad Metzler
 145. Angels and Demons--Dan Brown
 146. The DaVinci Code--Dan Brown
 147. Rabbit Run--John Updike
 148. Rabbit Redux-John Updike
 149. Rabbit is Rich-John Updike
 150. Rabbit at Rest-John Updike
 151. Underboss--Sammy Gravano
 152. Understanding Poverty--Ruby Payne
 153. Permanent Midnight---Jerry Stahl
 154. The Corrections- Jonathan Franzen
 155. Dress Your Family-Sedaris
 156. Me Talk Pretty One Day-Sedaris
 157. Tale of the  Body Thief--Anne Rice
 158. Queen of the Damned--Anne Rice
 159. Memnoch the Devil--Anne Rice
 160. The Vampire Armand--Anne Rice
 161. SkinWalkers--Tony Hillerman
 162. AThief of Time--Tony Hillerman
 163. Talking God--Tony Hillerman
 164. Dancehall of the  Dead--Tony Hillerman
 165. Coyote  Waits--Tony Hillerman
 166. The Fallen  Man--Tony Hillerman
 167. Crusaders  Cross-James Lee Burke
 168. Purple Cane Road--James Lee Burke
 169. Cadillac Jukebox--James Lee Burke
 170. Last Car to Elysean  Fields-James Lee Burke
 171. The  Moon of Red Ponies-James Lee Burke
 172. Jolie Blon's Bounce-James Lee Burke
 173. Bitter Root-James Lee Burke
 174. Dixie City Jam--James Lee Burke
 175. Sunset Limited--James Lee Burke
 176. Missing Justice---Alafair Burke
 177. A Stained White Radiance-James Lee Burke
 178. A Morning  For  Flamingos-James Lee Burke
 179. sifting through the madness for the Word, the line, the way: new poems-Charles Bukowski
 180. Red China Blues-Jan Wong
 181. Superman: Red Son (Elseworlds)- Mark  Millar
 182. The Darkness Volume 5: Demon Inside (Darkness (Image Comics))
 183. The Darkness Volume 4
 184. The Darkness Volume 3
 185. The Darkness Volume 2
 186. The Darkness Volume  1
 187. Sandman  Preludes and Nocturnes
 188. Sandman The Doll's House
 189. Sandman Dream Country
 190. Sandman
 191. A Lion's Tale: Around the World in Spandex-Chris Jericho
 192. Preacher-Gone to Texas-Garth  Ennis
 193. Preacher- Until the  End of The World
 194. Preacher-Proud Americans
 195. Preacher-All Hell's A'Coming
 196. Kingdom Come
 197. Infinite Crisis
 198. Preacher -  Dixie  Fried-Garth  Ennis
 199. It's True! It's True!-Kurt Angle
 200. Romeo and Juliet
 201. Hamlet
 202. King Lear
 203. Mid Summer  Night's Dream
 204. Henry  IV
 205. V  for Vendetta
 206. Road  To  Perdition
 207. Mask  of Apollo
 208. Han  Solo  at Star's  End--Brian Daley
 209. Han Solo's Revenge--Brian Daley
 210. Han Solo and the Lost Legacy--Brian Daley
 211. Two Dollar Bill --Stuart Woods
 212. Intensity--Dean Koontz
 213. Dragon Tears-Dean Koontz
 214. Hideaway--Dean Koontz
 215. Firefly- Piers Anthony
 216. How Green Was My Valley--Richard Lleweylan
 217. How the  Hula Girl Sings-Joe Meno
 218. 1984- George Orwell
 219. Aldous Huxley-Brave New World
 220. The Beautiful and  The Damned- F. Scott Fitzgerald
 221. The Communist Manifesto, by Karl Marx
 222. The Iliad of Homer, by Homer
 223. The  Basketball  Diaries---Jim Carroll
 224. New Spring-Robert Jordan
 225. The Eye  of  The World-Robert Jordan
 226. The Great Hunt-Robert Jordan
 227. The Dragon  Reborn-Robert Jordan
 228. The Shadow  Rising-Robert Jordan
 229. The Fires of Heaven-Robert Jordan
 230. Left Behind:  The  Rising--LaHaye  Jenkins
 231. The Regime--LaHaye  Jenkins
 232. The Rapture--LaHaye  Jenkins
 233. The Indwelling--LaHaye  Jenkins
 234. Left Behind--LaHaye  Jenkins
 235. Tribulation Force--LaHaye  Jenkins
 236. Nikolae--LaHaye  Jenkins
 237. The Mark--LaHaye  Jenkins
 238. Soul Harvest--LaHaye  Jenkins
 239. Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret-Judy Blume
 240. Ramona  Quimby-Beverly Cleary
 241. Superfudge-Judy Blume
 242. Iggy's House-Judy Blume
 243. Then Again, Maybe  I  Won't-Judy Blume
 244. Freckle Juice-Judy Blume
 245. Tales of A Fourth Grade Nothing-Judy Blume
 246. Otherwise Known  As  Shiela  The  Great-Judy Blume
 247. The  Adrian  Mole Diaries-
 248. Blubber-Judy Blume
 249. She's Come Undone-Wally Lamb
 250. Liar's Club-Mary Karr
 251. Ramona the  Brave-Beverly Cleary
 252. Beezus and Ramona-Beverly Cleary
 253. The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck
 254. The House on Mango  Street-Sandra  Cisneros
 255. Woman Hollering Creek-Sandra  Cisneros
 256. Othello
 257. Last To Die--James Grippando
 258. Hear No Evil---James Grippando
 259. I'm With The Band--Pamela Des  Barres
 260. No One Here Gets Out Alive
 261. The Lost Writings of Jim Morrison
 262. Princess Daisy--Judith Krantz
 263. I'll Take Manhattan--Judith Krantz
 264. Hollywood Wives---Jackie Collins
 265. Lucky-Jackie Collins
 266. Lady Boss-Jackie Collins
 267. Rock Star-Jackie Collins
 268. Tarantula---Bob Dylan
 269. The Grass Dancer--Susan Power
 270. To Kill A  Mockingbird--Harper Lee
 271. Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
 272. The Rain God--Arturo  Islas
 273. Molly Ivins Can't Say That, Can She? --Molly Ivins
 274. Nothing But Good Times-Molly Ivins
 275. Bushwhacked-Molly Ivins
 276. Family, the Ties that Bind and Gag--Erma Bombeck
 277. The Grass is Always Greener over The SepticTank--Erma Bombeck
 278. Lying Liars and the Lies they Tell--Al ranken
 279. Sweet Jesus I Hate Bill O'Reilley--Minton
 280. Fair and Balanced, My Ass: Fox News--Minton
 281. Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot--Al Franken
 282. Understanding Poverty--Ruby  Payne
 283. The Umbrella Academy--Gerard Way
 284. The Road to Omaha--Robert Ludlum
 285. The Bourne Identity-Robert Ludlum
 286. The Bourne Ultimatum-Robert Ludlum
 287. The Bourne Supremacy--Robert Ludlum
 288. The Icarus Agenda-Robert Ludlum
 289. When the Cat's Away--Kinky Friedman
 290. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas--Hunter S. Thompson
 291. Dynamite--The  Story of Davey Boy Smith
 292. Ric Flair: Be the Man---Rick Flair
 293. The Stone Cold Truth---Steve Austin
 294. Storm Front---Jim Butcher
 295. Fool Moon---Jim Butcher
 296. Grave Peril---Jim Butcher
 297. Summer Knight---Jim Butcher
 298. Proven Guilty-Jim Butcher
 299. The Stand--Stephen  King
 300. The Dead Zone-Stephen  King
 301. Firestarter-Stephen  King
 302. It
 303. Cujo-Stephen  King
 304. Christine-Stephen  King
 305. The Green Mile-Stephen  King
 306. The Sword of Shannara--Terry Brooks
 307. The Elfstones of Shannara-Terry Brooks
 308. The Wishsong of Shannare-Terry Brooks
 309. A Separate Peace--John Knowles
 310. The Taste of Blackberries
 311. My Brother Sam is Dead
 312. The Rise and Fall of ECW
 313. Mrs. Dalloway--Virginia Woolf
 314. Bonfire of the Vanities--Tom Wolf
 315. The Bell Jar--Sylvia Plath
 316. The Devil You Know---Mike Carey
 317. Fear of Flying – Erica Jong
 318. Half Lives- Erica Jong
 319. The Sound and the Fury--Faulkner
 320. The Age of Innocence--Edith Wharton
 321. The House of Mirth--Edith Wharton
 322. Fatal Vision--Joe McGuiness
 323. Cruel Doubt--Joe McGuiness
 324. Blind Faith---Joe McGuiness
 325. The Last Brother--Joe McGuiness
 326. The Last Tango in Paris
 327. 9 and a half Weeks
 328. The Thorn Birds---Colleen McCollough
 329. The Prince of Tides---Pat Conroy
 330. Jonathon Livingston Seagull--Richard Bach
 331. There is No Such Thing As Far Away---Richard Bach
 332. The Bridges of Madison County--Robert James Waller
 333. Primary Colors--Anonymous
 334. Sin City--Frank Miller
 335. The Authority
 336. The Fall of Freddie The Leaf--Leo Buscaglia
 337. The Lords and New Creatures--Jim Morrison
 338. Red Rocket 7
 339. Valley of The Dolls
 340. The Day of The Jackal-- Frederick Forsythe
 341. This Boy's Life
 342. My Dog Skip
 343. Cape Fear
 344. Howard's End---EM Forrester
 345. Beautiful Losers--Leonard  Cohen
 346.

I am sitting here sipping a cup of Chai Tea that slashfiend337 sent me.  :)
The only other time anyone else has done something like this it was this girl named Megan, one of the AFI girls.  She sent me this huge tin of vegan cocoa mix.  I thought cocoa mix was vegan anyway, but oh well.  It was really good, I used it through 2 winters.
We used to write each other all the time, then, when I left Aaron I remember sitting at Lilo's table, watching the lights of the city in the windows and talking to Megan on the phone for a long time.

When I went back to Aaron a year later Megan wrote me and said "I am not going to your funeral.  If you go back to him I'm never speaking to you again."  That was the last I heard from her until AFI announced the Begin Transmission contest and somehow or another she saw my video submission.  I started getting calls and texts from a # I didn't know.  Finally I texted back and said WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!    It was her and she was acting like nothing ever happened.

She emailed me so I emailed her back and said "You should know that I am still with my husband and things are fine so if this is going to cause problems you should go back to not speaking to me."  She then denied saying anything at all and swore she hadn't spoken to me in so long because she had no internet.  Yet she stil had my cell # and could have called or texted me any time during the two years or so.  I never responded back.  If she would have just owned up and said OK, it would have been one thing but to turn around and lie about the whole thing...*shakes head* 

And she wasn't one of those little kids that I had known since she was 13, she was in her 20's.  So I dunno.

Anyway, it is such a small gesture that warms the heart like no other.  Thank you Rosa.

Since we're feeling so anesthetised
In our comfort zone
Reminds me of the second time
That I followed you home

We're running out of alibi's
On the second of May
Reminds me of the summer time
On this winter day

See you at the bitter end
See you at the bitter end

Night before last I had a dream about a girl I went to high school with that I have not seen nor spoken to in 20 years.
I just got a friends request from her on Facebook.